everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
