He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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