it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
