She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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