Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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