Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
