while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
