Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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