and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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