he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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