Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
