Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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