When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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