there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
