Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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