i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
