Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
