This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
