fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
