My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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