you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
