I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
