I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
