I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
