I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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