we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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