i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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