Umm I'm too high to move.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
