There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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