everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
