I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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