I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Randomize
