i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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