haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
