There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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