he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
