Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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