He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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