I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
