my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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