Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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