Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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