As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
