I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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