We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My cat gives me a boner
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
