somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
