six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
