Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I FOUND THE LEGS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I did not marry a roomba.
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