I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
