Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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