the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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