Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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