Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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