my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
