Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
