Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
