Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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