Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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