Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
