remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
