she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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